le deuxieme sexe

Went to Winter Wonderland, got the goodie bags. Guess what was inside the bags, a booklet about gay -male- sex and condoms. Do men dominate everything? Even the gay community? Why am I forced to see instructions about blowjobs and why am I handed out condoms? Gay people, the place I considered to be the safest, and the only group I felt like I belonged in, is no different than any straight, heterosexist community. Why? Why are women always the second sex, why does it have to be that way?

Apparently, turning straight is in right now. 5 of my gay friends are now either in heterosexual relationships or seriously considering it, defining their gay lifestyles as a "phase". Are you bloody kidding me? Anyone can experiment, that I don't mind, but identifying yourself as gay or bisexual and then erasing that chapter of your life is not fair, it's not fair to the people whose feelings you hurt, it's not fair to the cause, it makes you look like bloody idiots for gods sake. Make up your minds! Call me heterophobic, or whatever you like, I just despise straight people. I despise them, seriously. They have no idea what they're missing, they're so blind they don't, or won't even know it. But having seen the light and then going back to that idiotic lifestyle called heterosexuality?? Come on, people.

"Are you a parking ticket? Cos you got fine written all over you." lol @ Jack.

with every heartbeat

Maybe we could make it all right
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we could make it happen baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change

Zaman doğru değil şu an, biliyorum. O kadar yanlış zamanlarıma denk geldin ki hep, ilk tanıştığımızda fiziksel olarak çok yakınında olsam bile iyi değildim, kafam iyi değildi, düşüncelerim kafamın içinde bile değildi, neredeydiler bilmiyorum, eminim aklım başımda olsa çok daha farklı davranırdım sana. Doğru olan sensin, biliyorum, ve tekrar benimle olacaksın doğru zamanda.

So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back

Gerçekten de bakmıyor muyum geriye, yoksa geride, geçmişimde mi yaşıyorum hep, bilmiyorum.

Just a little, little bit better
Good enough to waste some time
Tell me would it make you happy baby

And it hurts with every heartbeat

Evet, kalbimin her atışında.

the idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting

Dün Londra Hayward Gallery'deki Andy Warhol sergisindeydim. Bütün gün Warhol'un tüm filmlerini, The Factory'de arkadaşlarıyla takılıp havadan sudan konuşurken çekilmiş videolarını izledim. Valerie Solanas'ın ona yazdığı mektupları gördükten sonra hala garip bir ruh hali içindeyim. Andy Warhol'un dış görünüşü konusunda aşırı derecede takıntılı olduğunu, bu yüzden burnuna estetik yaptırdığını öğrendim. Hala o filmlerin siyah beyazlığında ve hışırtılı seslerinde Andy Warhol'un ruhunun varlığını hissettiğimi düşünüyorum desem fazla mı klişe olur?

"Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery."

"In the future everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes."

"Andy Warhol: I think everybody should like everybody.
Gene Swenson: Is that what Pop Art is all about?
Andy Warhol: Yes, it's liking things. "

"I'm a deeply superficial person."

"People should fall in love with their eyes closed. Just close your eyes. Don't look and it's magic."

"Before I was shot, I always thought that I was more half-there than all-there - I always suspected that I was watching TV instead of living life… Right when I was being shot and ever since, I knew that I was watching television. The channels switch, but it's all television."

"Dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone's got to take care of all your details."

"If you want to know all about Andy Warhol, just look at the surface of my paintings and films and me, there I am. There's nothing behind it."

"Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets."

PS: Valerie Solanas, sergide ve bir sürü diğer yerde belirtildiği gibi "mentally disturbed" bir insan değildi, bence dünyanın en mantıklı insanıydı hatta, Warhol'u vurması hayat hikayesini okuyan her insanın anlayabileceği nedenlere dayalıydı.

list of the cunts i'd send to hell

Daha önce de bahsettiğim gibi hayatımın çeşitli dönemlerinde çeşitli nedenlerle uyuz olduğum insanların dünyadan silinesi derecede dayanılmaz bulduklarımı Cunt List adlı bir listede bulunduruyorum. Neredeyse her gün yeni bir isim eklediğim The List of People That Piss Me Off'un bir üst level'ı olan bu listede şu anda sadece 5 isim bulunuyor. Dünya üzerinde sinir olduğum ve tır altında kalıp ölse "hmm?" deyip geçeceğim onlarca şahıs bulunsa da, bu 5 kişi acı çektirmekten sadist bir zevk alacağım ve The Hostel-vari işkencelerde bulunurken Türk filmi modu villain kahkahaları atacağım şanslı kişiler.

1- G.
2- K.
3- N.
4- D.
5- A.

Tahmin edebileceğiniz üzere saçma salak ve en hafif tanımımla gayet cazgır olan bu insanlarla uğraşmak istemediğimden -daha doğrusu ben İngiltere onlar Türkiye'deyken online şekillerde uğraşmayı tercih etmediğimden- isim vermiyorum. Ama listemin 3'ü kız, 2'si erkek, bu da size ipucu olsun.

PS: Neden durup dururken bunu açıkladım, birşey mi oldu sinirimi bozan? Yoo hayır, rüyamda bunlardan birini gördüm sadece, oradan aklıma geldi.

iamx will make you love again

In the grip of the winter came
Love and greed
Insane with faith I took the driving front seat
In the lowlife comfort of Berlin streets
The car from emptiness directed with my body heat

I was alone at the front line
The message I was told
Was the triumph and the joy of a lifetime

I just can't think of England
I can't see the picture
I'm still running from the fire the fire
I just can't think of England
I can't see the picture
I'm still running from the fire the fire

In the twilight hours of nervous rest
I bought the beast before believing the threat
In a foreign field I cut no regrets
The poison stories just repeat themselves
In a fucked up mess

I was alone for the first time
The message I was told
Was the triumph and the joy of a lifetime

I just can't think of England
I can't see the picture
I'm still running from the fire the fire
I just can't think of England
I can't see the picture
I'm still running from the fire the fire

I just can't think of England
Can't see the picture
Can't see the picture
Can't see the picture

IAMX - Think of England

tu as fait une promesse

Tam uykunun derinliklerine çekiliyordum ki Hazal Hanfendi'nin blogunu gördüm. Bunu okuduktan sonra söz verilen ama gidilmeyen Nevizade'de balık-mezelerimiz geldi aklıma. Neden gitmedik biz hiç? Hani Adalar'a götürecektin beni ilkbaharda? Nerede o çilekli pastalar? Kaç baharlar oldu hanfendi siz yoksunuz.

Ve hem linkteki blog post'a hem de moda uygun bir şarkı:

sen de başını alıp gitme ne olur
ne olur tut ellerimi
hayatta hiç bir şeyim az olmadı senin kadar
ve özlemedim hiçbir şeyi seni özlediğim kadar
sen de başını alıp gitme ne olur

will you shed no tear for broken me?

Imovane aldım yine, 12 saatlik bir uyku planlıyorum. Görüşüm bulanık, ellerim sarhoş ve kafam güzel gibi, kaslarım fazlasıyla gevşek, bu yazıyı yazmak zor. Imovane uykusunu seviyorum, kafamı yastığa koyduğum anda çağırıyor, yastığımdan aşağı çekiyor beni, alıp götürüyor simsiyah bir yere. Rüyasız, bilinçsiz, koma gibi bir uyku.

Angel I can see myself in your eyes
Angel won't you feel for me from your heart
Do return my heart to me
No don't insist, I'm already hurt

Elephant girl
It was an accident unfortunate
Angel threw me like a rubber man
Aiming for the ground
Why amuse yourself in such way
No don't insist, I'm already hurt

Lay me down on the ground softly, softly
Don't remove my head hurts much too much

You never return it
Well I wouldn't miss it
I shed no tears for broken me
You never know it, my peace of mind
Now inside and outside are matching

Why amuse yourself in such way
No don't insist, I'm already hurt
If you never return it
Will it break your wings
Will you shed no tear for broken me

you squeeze my heart so tight tonight

Dünyanın en kötü gecelerinden birini geçirdikten sonra Pazar günü modunda yatağımda mayışıyorum sabah 9'dan beri. Neymiş, demek ki bütün gün birşey yemedikten sonra Jack Daniels, vodka ve cider karıştırmıyormuşuz. Siz evde denemeyin.

En kötü gece deyişim tamamen midemle alakalıydı, aslında süper bir akşam geçirdim dışarda. İngiltere'ye geldiğimden beri ilk tanıştığım andan itibaren içten bir ilgiyle anlattıklarımı dinlediğini hissettiğim, ve hakkımda kötü en ufak birşey düşünmediğinden emin olduğum tek insan olan Aideen'le Micachu and the Shapes izledik. Bayan Mica Levi elinde bir elektrik süpürgesiyle -evet, "huh??" olduk biz de- sahneye adım attığında Sam Ronson'ı hatırlattı bana aşırı derecede, göz göze geldik, sonra şarkı söylemeye başladı, vücudumda bir enerji akışı oldu sanki ondan bana doğru, garipti, nasıl tanımlasam bilemiyorum. Sonra kapıda sigara içtik birlikte, saçma bir şekilde onu bir daha göreceğimi hissettim. Evet saçmalıyorum ben.

Bugün yeni dövmemi yaptırıyorum. Mutlu ve heyecanlıyım.

save me from my old ways

Everything I've been holding on to for the last 6 months, comes crashing down on me one by one. I've forced myself to be happy all those months, and I've been as close to happy as I can get, but now I realise true happiness was back in my room in Istanbul for me. I remember staying in bed all day, every day for the whole week sometimes, just watching TV. I was happy then. I'll never feel so safe again, I'll never be that happy, I'll never feel as at home as I felt back then. If only I could be there for just one day, turn back the time, go back to last year for a single day where everything was so peaceful and I was loved.

I'm so sorry, and I've done many things I regret. I've hurt the ones I love, and I've broken the hearts of people I didn't even know. I'm trying not to regret moving here cause I know once I let go and allow myself to cry, I won't be able to control it any more and the depression will come back even worse.

I miss you, everything we did, good or bad, I miss my home, even when I hated it back then, I miss my old uni that I used to despise so much, I'd give anything to be there right now, in a taxi to Taksim, stuck in the traffic jam on Bagdat Avenue, listening to music and thinking of you.

And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes

paper dreams, honey

I've been awake since 7.30 in the morning. All summer I had this problem, I just couldn't help but fall asleep every afternoon. And now, no matter how tired or sleepless I am, I can't sleep during the day. I've been in bed all day, but my brain, it's well tired. I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking. I had some serious sleeping issues last year because of the pills I had to take, and back then I had read somewhere that the only reason people couldn't sleep was because their minds were too busy and stressed, and they could have been able to sleep without the help of any sleeping pills if they just cleared their minds. Well, I say BOLLOCKS. Don't touch my sleeping pills, I'm doing just fine with them, thank you.

I just realised my favourite pills were lost, so I had to take some other pill, which is strong enough to knock an elephant out for a whole year. I'm gonna be well fucked tomorrow morning.



And again, my only one, I do miss you very, very much.

About as subtle as an earthquake, I know

My mistakes were made for you

And in the back room of a bad dream, she came

And whisked me away, enthused

And it's solid as a rock rolling down a hill

The fact is that it probably will hit something