sheer simplicity

Ben dün 17 saat uyudum. Sanırım bugün de 17 saat uyuyacağım. Sigara dumanı nedeniyle çıkamıyorum, kendimi odama kilitlemiş halde oturup odamı sigara dumanıyla dolduruyorum. Anneme sinirliyim. Pek çok kişiye sinirliyim aslında. Zaten sürekli ya sıkılıyor, ya da sinirleniyorum. Canım sıkkın. Ben böyle hissederek evde otururken, tek bir tanesi bile ziyaretime gelmemiş arkadaşlarıma sinirliyim. Neden? Çünkü Alsancak'ta parti olması benim ameliyat olmuş bir şekilde evde tek başıma Kings of Convenience dinleyerek kendime acımamdan ve muhtemelen yarım saat sonra yastığıma ağlayarak uyuyacak olmamdan daha önemli. Sadece içip eğlenirken yanımda olacak insanları özenle seçmeyi nasıl başarıyorum, bilmiyorum.

Sadece zaman geçsin istiyorum.

Oh what is there to know, this is what it is,
you and me alone, sheer simplicity..

angry kids of the world, unite

Anonim yorumlardan nefret ediyorum. Blogumu anonim yorumlara açsam neler olurdu, sinir katsayım kaç katına çıkardı çok merak ediyorum cidden. İnsanların birbirlerinden hazzetmiyor olmalarını sonuna kadar destekliyorum, arkadan konuşmayı bile kendi halinde bir eylem oluşundan dolayı bir noktaya kadar anlayabilirim. Anlamadığım şey, kimliğini açıklayıp yaptıkları hareketlerin sorumluluğunu üstlenecek cesarete sahip olmayan çoluk çocuk kişiliklerin ne amaçla başkalarına sözlü saldırılarda bulundukları. Evde boş boş oturup geçmişteki kuyruk acılarını düşünürken "Hadi şuna bir anonim laf sokayım ahahah" şeklinde bir düşünce ampulü yanıyor kafalarında sanırım.

i need you so much closer

and the hardest part was letting go, not taking part
you really broke my heart

and i tried to sing but i couldn’t think of anything
and that was the hardest part

you left the sweetest taste in my mouth

It's never enough. It won't ever be enough. I need you so much closer, you're not close enough. No one is ever close enough. Crying your insides out into a friend's arms, and she mistakes your sobbing for sleepiness. Even she has no idea.

-It's only feelings, you'll be fine.
-I'm not fine, don't you see?
-Oh come on, seriously, nothing happened, nothing's wrong, you're overreacting, creating problems that don't exist.
-Feelings are all I have. They're who I am. I am my feelings.
-Then you need to find a way to not feel anymore.
-I'm trying, believe me, I am.
-I don't get you, why do you so eagerly, so voluntarily, so willingly wanna get hurt?
-I'll love, I'll leave, I'll be left alone, I'll hurt and be hurt, I'll forget and be forgotten. Everything in life has its price, tears come with happiness, heartache with love. I need to take it, suck it up, hang on, and finally then, someone will come along. Sadness, sorrow, pain, grief, whatever you wanna call it, avoiding it only means avoiding being alive. I wouldn't feel alive if I didn't feel. And feeling, it goes both ways. Both sad and happy. Both heartbroken and loved. Choosing not to be hurt, avoiding feelings, becoming numb, Zerofeelings, is being unloveable. I refuse to be unloveable. I accept and welcome the tears. I'm willing to take the risk, and I'm open no matter what.

and if you're hurting
i will replace the noise with silence instead
flushing out your head

if you like it violent
we can play rough and tumble
fall into bed
and i won't breathe so you can recover

when you're in pieces
just follow the echo of my voice, it's okay
tune into that frequency

don't fight your reflex
embrace the instinct
you can feel your way
through the bed and weak face in the end

'cause it breaks my heart
that we live this way
i know people need love'
cause them people never play the game
and we talk the talk
we communicate
them people need love
those people never play the game

pleasure for pleasure
it eases consequence
and love for a fall
but i know you love to take the risk
the past is weakness
don't beg the question when the answer is war
there are moments when i'm overcome

'cause it breaks my heart in love

-You'll regret this decision. You know, if your friends saw you right now, they'd feel sorry for you. You're so pathetic, and it's such a cliché, crying yourself to sleep. You know what? You should really do yourself and the rest of the world a favor, and end your sorry little life. Seriously, that's what you should do. You know, he's banging her right now. With each tear that you cry, he's fucking her. I bet the rhythm even matches. Remember the girl that loved you? Newsflash, she now loves someone else even more. Oh yeah, that someone is a friend of yours. You really have a problem with choosing the right friends, by the way. Poor you. The last, uhmm wait let me count, 6 people you well in love with? 6, right? Well, the last 6 people you fell in love with, remember the way it ended each time? Being left alone and broken, 6 times. Let me remind you that one of them left running to Belgium the next morning, that's a record even for a we-just-had-a-one-night-stand-but-I-promise-I'll-call-you kind of guy. Eww you, you fugly slut.

SAVE THE BLOODY SENTIMENTAL SPEECH FOR SOMEONE ELSE. YOU FOOL.