soulmates and missed opportunities

She stepped out of the cab and looked around. It was around 5 am, and people, usual, regular people, were most probably asleep. It was almost the end of the night, the consuming, sucking-away-all-the-fun-and-leaving-you-longing-for-the-next-weekend kinda night. She had started walking towards home when she heard someone say hello. She looked up, all overwhelmed and frustrated, then she saw her. Where you goin' to, she said, you alright?
I'm okay, she replied, just goin' home. The 2 girls walked home together. My mum's a doctor, said the blonde stranger, she knows everything in the entire world.
So she does?, she replied and asked, what does she know about the both of us?
The blonde looked straight into her eyes as if she could see right through them. She knew we'd meet today, she said, today's the most important day of our lives, tonight, tonight's the night.
It was too much. Whatever you choose to call it, love, the risk, the possibility of getting broken-hearted, she couldn't stand it. The girls walked home and she never asked for the blonde's phone number, nor her name. Had she asked, they would've been together for the rest of their lives. She was her soulmate. She never asked, and they never knew. It was just one of those opportunities that people miss everyday. They never knew.

charlotte sometimes

Exchange olayını sonunda halletmiş bulunuyorum. Yeditepe Üniversitesi'nin saçma sapan konuya ilgisizliği ve Essex University'nin Erasmus anlaşmasını iptal etmesi nedeniyle karışık bir durum ortaya çıktı. Sonuç olarak yine de Ekim'de İngiltere'ye gidiyorum. En az 1 yıl ordayım, transfer yaptırıp yaptırmayacağıma henüz karar vermedim.
Pazartesi sınavlarım başlıyor, bu konuda düşünmek içimi sıkıyor.
Akşam ne giyeceğimi bilmiyorum, aslında tek yapmak istediğim evde oturmak.
Bugünlerde çok fazla değişik birşeyler yapasım ve yaratıcı olasım var, ama ne yapmak istediğimi bilmiyorum. Düşünüyorum, aklıma birşey gelmiyor, daha da huzursuz oluyorum. Sadece eve kapanmak ve çıkmamak istiyorum. Sokağa adım attığım her an kendimi diğer insanlara karşı savunmasız hissediyorum ve başıma birşeyler gelecekmiş gibi geliyor. Güvende hissetmiyorum.
Şu anki ruh halimi isimlendiremiyorum, huzursuzluk/ne yapacağını bilememe/sürekli tetikte olma/iç sıkıntısı karışımı birşey. Ruhum ağırlaşıyormuş ve vücudumun hızına ayak uyduramıyormuş gibi hissediyorum. Bu histen hoşlanmıyorum.
Bugün Cuma olması bile beni mutlu etmiyor, kafama takılan ve beni rahatsız eden birşeyler var. Ne olduğunu bulamıyorum. Geçen haftasonundan beri böyleyim. Başıma gelen -hatırlamak ve dolayısıyla bahsetmek istemediğim- o olay sanırım tüm güvenlik duygumu sarstı. Rahatlayamıyorum, bunu kimseye anlatamıyorum, çünkü ben bile anlayamıyorum. Ne yapmam gerektiğini bilmiyorum.
1 haftadır her gün çeşit çeşit yemek yapıyor, tadına bakıyor, sonra hiçbirini yemiyorum. Çok sigara içmeye başladım.
Herşeyin ardında art niyet aramaya başladım. Huzursuzum.

all the faces
all the voices blur
change to one face
change to one voice
prepare yourself for bed
the light seems bright
and glares on white walls
all the sounds of
charlotte sometimes
into the night with
charlotte sometimes

night after night she lay alone in bed
her eyes so open to the dark
the streets all looked so strange
they seemed so far away
but charlotte did not cry

the people seemed so close
playing expressionless games
the people seemed
so close
so many
other names...

sometimes i'm dreaming
where all the other people dance
sometimes i'm dreaming
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i'm dreaming
expressionless the trance
sometimes i'm dreaming
so many different names
sometimes i'm dreaming
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
she hopes to open shadowed eyes
on a different world
come to me
scared princess
charlotte sometimes

on that bleak track
(see the sun is gone again)
the tears were pouring down her face
she was crying and crying for a girl
who died so many years before...

charlotte sometimes crying for herself
charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself
but it's always with love
with so much love it looks like
everything else
of charlotte sometimes
so far away
glass sealed and pretty
charlotte sometimes

these flowers will always die

"this dream never ends" you said
"this feeling never goes, the time will never come to slip away"
"this wave never breaks" you said
"this sun never sets again, these flowers will never fade"
"this world never stops" you said
"this wonder never leaves, the time will never come to say goodbye"
"this tide never turns" you said
"this night never falls again, these flowers will never die"

never die
never die
these flowers will never die

"this dream always ends" i said
"this feeling always goes, the time always comes to slip away"
"this wave always breaks" i said
"this sun always sets again, and these flowers will always fade"
"this world always stops" i said
"this wonder always leaves, the time always comes to say goodbye"
"this tide always turns" i said
"this night always falls again, and these flowers will always die"

always die
always die
these flowers will always die

between you and me
it's hard to ever really know
who to trust
how to think
what to believe
between me and you
it's hard to ever really know
who to choose
how to feel
what to do

never fade
never die
you give me flowers of love

always fade
always die
i let fall flowers of blood

Sean Bateman: Lauren I want to know you.

Lauren: What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me.

do that pussy right

Pussy eating 101: The lyrics pretty much speak for themselves..

Good Evening, Class
I would like to welcome you
To Pussy Eating 101
Pay close attention now

There's rules and regulations to pleasin' a girl
Goin' downtown could really rock her world
But you gotta make sure that you know what you're doin'
There's a map down there that you gotta start learnin'

First, you gotta make sure you rehearse
Move 'round your tongue like your tryin' to curse
'Cause there's nothin' worse than a tongue that doesn't work
Then your girl will be mad and you'll feel like a jerk

Spread out her lips before you kiss
You wanna make sure that you find the clit
Lick a little bit then move it all around
Lick it all over 'til you hear her make a sound

Then you know that you found a good spot
Tease it and touch it, but not a lot
Put your mouth on top, you're in control
You can make it happen - fast or slow

Lick it, better lick it right
Touch it, better touch it right
Kiss it, better kiss it right
Do that pussy right

Lick it, better lick it right
Touch it, better touch it right
Kiss it, better kiss it right
Do that pussy right

Don't be bland - better act creative
Be on top of your game and be innovative
Experiment a bit and change it up
Lick a little lower then put it in her butt

Then you can place a finger inside
Make sure that it's wet and easy to glide
If she's really wet, and your finger slides,
Try to put another one inside

But you better still have your mouth on the clit
You know you're doin' good if her legs twitch
Then pick her up and set her on your face
Pick a large area to give her some space

She needs some room to place your mouth where she want it
And let her ride your face like she's 'bout to cum on it

The key to a girl's heart is goin' down south
So come on everybody let her put it in your mouth!

Let your mouth do the talkin' and your tongue do the walkin'
Work on your cardio, there is no stoppin'
Get through the pain if your jaw locks
You gotta be a soldier and don't stop

Lick her and finger her at the same time
Feel around the G-spot seek and you shall find
Rup on that spot, lick on top
You got to be coordinated, show her what you got

Once you got that down, put your other hand around
I have to be blunt and not profound
Put your wet pinky finger in her asshole
You're in three different places - it's time to go

Your pinky in her ass and your other in her hole
Your tongue move fast like a drum roll...
If your girl can't come this way,
I guess she's not ready, come back another day

do it again? i know we should !!

The sun is up
I'm so happy I could scream!
And there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be
Than here with you
It's perfect
It's all I ever wanted
I almost can't believe that it's for real

I really don't think it gets any better than this
Vanilla smile
And a gorgeous strawberry kiss!
Birds sing we swing
Clouds drift by and everything is like a dream
It's everything I wished

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it again?
I know we should!!!

Say it will always be like this
The two of us together
It will always be like this
Forever and ever and ever...

The Cure-Mint Car. Liseye başlamamdan önceki yaz boyunca sürekli dinlediğim, güneşli bir günde bavullarınızı toplamış tatile giderken arabanızda son sesle bağırarak eşlik ederken dinlenmesi gereken bir şarkı bu. Dünyanın en mutlu anılarının adı üstünde birer "anı" haline gelmiş, yani geçip gitmiş olmalarının bile insanı üzemediği yerlerin, umutsuzca ve herşeye rağmen romantik olanların, iyimser aşıkların, günbatımlarının insanları hüzünlendirmekten çok huzur verdiği zamanların şarkısı. Dünyadaki en mutlu şarkı.

Say it will always be like this, the two of us together..

enjoy it while you can before things change

Everything used to be so simple yesterday. Well, now they're not. I was so sure of how I felt, and I thought my feelings were in control. Right now I feel as if I'm standing on the edge, I could either go back or I could jump. I have got to take cover, brother, what have we done? This could go seriously wrong, and I mean it, things could get really ugly. Just tell me you'll be waiting down there, and I'll happily jump off the edge.

come on
let’s go
i said i'm driving and i'm driving
it's true, i’ve got something for you..

elise, believe i never wanted this

The Cure-A Letter to Elise dinliyorum. Sözlükte bu şarkı için yapılan bir yorum var, kesinlikle katıldığım. "Acıtır, her daim acıtır..". 2005 Rock'n Coke'ta The Cure sahnedeyken, ve bu şarkı çalarken, yağmurun yağdığını, bana hep bu şarkıyı hatırlatan insanı, o görmesin diye arkamı dönerek ağladığımı, gözümün önünde olup artık hayatımda olmayışına dayanamayarak The Cure bitmeden çadıra koştuğumu hatırlıyorum.

oh elise it doesn't matter what you say
i just can't stay here every yesterday
like keep on acting out the same
the way we act out
every way to smile
forget
and make-believe we never needed
any more than this
any more than this

oh elise it doesn't matter what you do
i know i'll never really get inside of you
to make your eyes catch fire
the way they should
the way the blue could pull me in
if they only would
if they only would
at least i'd lose this sense of sensing something else
that hides away
from me and you
they're worlds to part
with aching looks and breaking hearts
and all the prayers your hands can make
oh i just take as much as you can throw
and then throw it all away
oh i throw it all away
like throwing faces at the sky
like throwing arms round
yesterday
i stood and stared
wide-eyed in front of you
and the face i saw looked back
the way i wanted to
but i just can't hold my tears away
the way you do

elise, believe i never wanted this
i thought this time i'd keep all of my promises
i thought you were the girl i always dreamed about
but i let the dream go
and the promises broke
and the make-believe ran out...

Seni çok özlüyorum, Elise.
Ve çocukluğumuzu.

this heart is yours, let it bleed

3 yıl öncesinin playlistlerini dinlerken Further Seems Forever-Bleed çalmaya başladı birden. Sözlerini dinledim, düşündüm. Son zamanlarda fazlasıyla Shanevari hallere düşen aşk -daha doğrusu olmayan aşk- hayatım, benim olduğu gibi pek çok insanın da ilgi alanları içindeymiş meğer. Gayet alakasız insanlardan kulağıma gelip duran dedikoduların en ilginci ise şu anda son derece ayrılmış olduğum eski sevgilime "Tekrar çık benimle nolurrr" şeklinde yalvarmalarım sonucu tekrar çıkmaya başlamış olduğumuz şeklindeydi. Bunu eski sevgilinin psikolojik durumuna verip "Hadi neyse" diyorum ama, kulağıma hiç gelmeyen bunun benzeri daha pek çok şey olduğunun da farkındayım. İnsanların seçimlerimi fazla özgürce bulmaları, ya da sürekli farklı insanlarla görülmemin bazılarının ahlak anlayışlarına ters gelmesi beni rahatsız etmiyor. Bu bahsettiğim nedenlerden dolayı arkamdan konuşmaları bir zamanlar rahatsız ediyordu. Artık o da etmiyor. İlk olarak, ben değer yargılarını kendime tamamen ters bulduğum bu toplumun ahlaki sınırlarını benimsemiyorum; dolayısıyla bu sınırların içine hapsolmuş kişilerin ağzından çıkan laflar üzerimde amaçladıkları o kırıcı etkiyi yaratamıyor. İkinci olarak ise, ya çok az tanıdığı ya da hiç tanımadığı insanların hakkında konuşma gereği duyanları gerçekten çok zavallı buluyorum. Özgüveni tam, kişilik gelişimini tamamlamış, komplekssiz ve yapacak işi gücü olan insanların uğraşacağı şeyler değil bunlar. Bana harcayacağınız dakikalarınızı kendinize ait bir hayat sahibi olmaya harcayın.

Evet, konu çok dağıldı. Bleed dinliyorum demiştim. Varmak istediğim nokta ise, artık ciddi birşeylere hazır oluşumdu.

to every heart that's growing darker
colder and colder
the heart on the sleeve is getting older and older
just cut it open and bleed

it wont be long now
and in time you'll find out
this heart is yours
let it bleed

it's you i take, cause you're the truth, not i

I'm getting sentimental again. There's this moment that I recall when I think about being peaceful. I'm laying down on my bed, and watching the crimson shadows dance on the walls in the dimly lit room. I used to love that red bedside lamp. I was 13, and that exact moment, was my most peaceful one. It was February 21th, 2002. I never felt so safe again.

that's the end and that's the start of it
that's the whole and that's the part of it
that's the high and that's the heart of it
that's the long and that's the short of it
that's the best and that's the test in it
that's the doubt the doubt, the trust in it
that's the sight and that's the sound of it
that's the gift and that's the trick in it

you're the truth, not i...

hold me close

and I'm walking down my own street
the leaves are falling high, high on my feet
I wish I wasn't cold, I wish I wanted the same things

and I keep speaking words and words of thunder
hoping to shake something and feel alive
like a train wreck I'm falling under
but my speech is numb
and I can't help but keep hurting

and I wish that I was younger
and I wish that I was young enough to know better
and I wanted you to hold me close
hold me close.

Uzun zamandır böyle hissetmemiştim. 6 aydır sanırım. Zsa zsa zsu =) Umarım sen o'sundur.